pastor's privilege

one of the pastoral privileges for clergy is the old adage, 'marry and bury'. while weddings can be very joyous, with people tending to be on their best behavior, they can also be very stressful...making sure that everything is 'perfect'. and, i won't even go into the cost! people think nothing of spending thousands on the reception, but consider that the ceremony needs to be very economical (read that as FREE). just for the record, i do enjoy a good wedding, and if i know the family, i can have a very good time at the reception. but, churches have costs like everyone else, and when you add up the time spent planning the ceremony, and the cost of this service, you'll note that churches are still a bargain! thanks be to god!!

now on to memorial services. rarely do we see a 'funeral' any longer; the body present, everyone in black; deep sadness. more common is a memorial service, or a 'celebration of life'. why such a change? i believe this change attests to the hope that is offered for the future. as a clergy person, i feel much more privileged to help lead the grieving than i do the celebrating (of a wedding). at a wedding, i don't want to be center stage; i leave that for the couple. i want the couple to be thinking of, not me, but what comes after the wedding: the marriage. and i want them to rely on the presence of god's grace to see them through their struggles and their joys, and to remember that the church/clergy person who participated with them can also help guide them in that next step of the journey.

but with a memorial service/celebration of life, the clergy person is much more visible. people may not remember the words expressed that day, but they will remember the experience. did the 'preacher' share "hell-fire and damnation", or words of grace and comfort? was the church comforting and supportive; welcoming of the family -- even if they did not go to church there? was the reception offered with love? would they find their way back to that church after the ceremony ended?

we've done two memorials/celebrations of life this week, and i will be working with a family later on this week as we prepared for a ceremony that we know is coming, but just not sure when. both services this week were unique. they spoke of the nature of the person that had died. people shared stories about how moved they were to have known both people. while tears were shed, there was laughter, and a genuine sense that god's love and grace had been apart of their relationship with one another. even the receptions were different. we try not to do the same thing for each service, but respond to the uniqueness of each person.

with weddings, the planning for the ceremony takes little time. couples meet with the pastor three times, and sometimes much of the time is taken up with the stress of preparation for the reception and the preparation -- not the ceremony.

but with memorial services, much of the time is spent talking and sharing about the person; the kind of person they were, the relationships they shared, their successes and failures; the deep sadness of a life that will surely be missed; sometimes even being able to express the relief from suffering. sadness and joy. the celebration of life. yes, there is the 'yuck' that comes out, but even that is healing. because, in the end, we realize that we are all human. and being human, we are not perfect. while the emphasis on weddings is the perfection, the emphasis on death is about new life.

funny, how similar weddings and memorials are in this way; they are about new life; they are about relationships and possibilities. and after both of these ceremonies, there is one question that is the same: now what? how do we live now?

and perhaps, even the answers are not so very different. for the couple, the "now what" is answered with questions like: what happens when we disagree, when we run into money troubles, when we discover that there are things i don't like about the other person. problem solving is big when one talks about the 'marriage after the wedding'. there is loss as well: 'i use to have the whole closet; now i only have half'; 'i can't stand living with a slob -- i hate how much you control everything'. who do you talk to when there is an issue?

for the person grieving, the person who is dead is no longer there to disagree with or compromise with, or simply be with; a new form of "now what?" and "how do i live now?" takes priority. who do you talk to when there is an issue?

ah, the pastor's privilege. marry and bury becomes more than just two ceremonies. i am privileged to work with the relationship of helping people to deal with the questions of 'now what'. and then asking perhaps one key question in return. 'on whom do you depend?' where do you find your comfort. with whom do you have your grounding.

i love working with people, and when they begin to ask the spiritual questions, i find myself grateful that god has given me the privilege to serve as guide, confidant, friend, and listening ear. i don't have the answers...but i know the one whom i depend upon. and, just maybe, that is the answer we all long to discover.