one area of greatest struggle

while finishing up a continuing education class yesterday on spirituality and psychotherapy, i was reminded that forgiveness is one of our nation's biggest issue. we are not very good at forgiveness.

forgiveness is a reminder to be gracious to (self and/or others) and to pass over (let it go, in some way). forgiveness is a reminder that while we stray from god, god invites us back time and time again. when we do something that causes a break between god and ourselves, god's gracious actions invite us back into relationship once again. when we make a mistake, being 'repentant' or sorrowful is a way to start to make amends.

we often struggle to accept god's forgiveness. "we're unworthy" is the phrase that comes to mind. and that phrase gets in our way of moving forward. working on receiving forgiveness is an important element in our ability to realize that we are human, that we make mistakes, and that we can make amends and move on.

yet, even while we may accept forgiveness from god, something gets in our way of sharing forgiveness with others. and that 'something that gets in our way' also prevents us from moving on. like a splinter we can't seem to extract, we retain our hurt from the experience, and we end up getting stuck because we can't move on.

no one said forgiveness was easy. being reconciled takes our intention to work through an issue, and 'put it to rest' so to speak. we may never forget what happened, but allowing that event to consume us is counter-productive to living out the rest of our life. when an event happens, we gain some awareness that will help us in the future. but chances are, we will be hurt again, and we will hurt someone else; we are, after all, human!

so here is an intervention, thanks to everrett worthington, that may help ease our relations, and move us toward forgiveness -- both of the self and the other. remember, the are of forgiveness takes time and energy and of course, practice!

the concept that worthington suggests is using REACH when dealing with forgiveness. and don't acronyms come in handy!

Recall the experience. we do not have to re-live the experience, but begin to think about what happened; how did the situation begin? try not to judge anything; be aware of the events of the altercation.

find Empathy for the perpetrator. when we think about forgiveness, the situation generally involves at least two people (or, it can be me hitting my toe on a piece of furniture yesterday -- the effects of that action can still be felt today; but i digress....). empathy does not mean that you and the perpetrator become the best of friends, but that you begin to think about that might have caused the situation to develop from someone else's perspective. in church, when we talk about sin, we realize that the phrase "i'd never do that" is a judgment that is not entirely true. we have the capacity to do something wrong; by accident, without knowing, or through deliberate calculation. learning to be empathetic of others also helps us to be empathetic to oneself!

Altruism. as paul reminds in in first corithians 13, sometimes we do childish things. but when we become an adult, we let go of childish/foolish ways that get in our way of living full and faithful lives. altruism is literally 'the better thing to be done' or better still , 'rising to the occasion'. sometimes, we just have to be adult about something in order to let go and move on. another phrase is 'taking the higher road' also comes to mind. but the key with altruism is not to think of oneself as better than someone else, or, to use a church term, 'holier than thou'. making the better, more adult choice, is to empower oneself to be free and move along in life; not to get stuck -- and free oneself from taking out our anger/frustration on others.

Commit to forgiving. we can't just say, 'yea, i forgive you'. the key to forgiveness is to let your heart and your brain work together to be freed. even god, i suspect, makes a commitment to say 'yes' to us, even thought god knows we're human. the 'yes' allows us to not hold on. the residual 'stuff' that we hold onto through an act that has hurt us, prevents us from finding our new way. if we actually commit to forgiving, we also commit to not hanging on to that situation and the hurt. we, as humans, have a way of bringing up the past into the present ... 'i remember when in the first grade you... or ... i'll never forget ... or ... you always ...' committing to forgiving allows you not to carry a suitcase of hurt. this may also be the time when you realize that being a friend/associate with the person is not possible. the commitment to forgive allows one to acknowledge that the relationship is broken. in grief, we mourn our loss, but we also can continue to live in a new way.

[side bar; god really is god, and has the capacity to forgive. god's grace makes this possible. prayer allows us to work through our issues, and give over to god that which is impossible for us to do. no one said life was not complex! but, with each breath, we can continue to grow in god's grace!]

this leads us to the last element of REACH, and that is Hold; hold onto forgiveness during the times of doubt/difficulty/uneasy times. as a human being, we may think that we're all done with needing to deal with forgiving a person or a situation. but then something happens and we face the issue again -- more likely in a different form. when we feel weak, our issues come back to face us. in those time, remember the efforts you've done to move forward; hold onto the forgiveness of yourself, the situation and the other person. remember what you've done to get to this point in your life. breathe (shallow breathing prevents us from thinking clearly and moving forward).

during this season, practice your REACH. this is not simply an exercise. this is a spiritual discipline that will reward your spirit with a sense of new life. i hope it will be a benefit to you!